The Benefits of Having Two Moms

Sunday, May 8, 2011 | | | |

Mother's Day is kind of a touchy subject for me, not because I get Pat's mom the best Mother's Day present of all ;) but because I have two moms.

We're really close, which means Mother's Day is like another Christmas.

Since it is Mother's Day and all, I guess I'll tell you a little bit about what it's like to have two moms.


BREAKFAST
is amazing. Moms take long-ass showers so they can shave their legs and put on massive amounts of make-up. So when Mrs. Mackey #1 wakes up and takes a shower, Mrs. Mackey #2 makes a sweet-ass fruit salad. And when Mrs. Mackey #2 then takes her shower, I complain to Mrs. Mackey #1 about how I never got my breakfast, and she makes a glorious mountain of bacon, sausage, and deer meat. That's how I stay healthy with the fruits while still getting fucking ripped all the goddamn time.

SCHOOL
is also pretty sweet. Whenever I get in trouble for tripping Jimmy Jimmies down the stairs, or smoking e-cigarettes in the bathroom, I divide the phone calls home between moms. That way, one mom thinks I'm a total dick to Jimmy Jimmies but an e-sober goody two shoes, whereas the other thinks I'm just plain old friendly to my peers, but I smoke water vapor like I'm huffing a damn rainforest.

FIELD TRIPS
are cool as hell. I mean, both of my moms are Class Moms, so whenever my classmates hit on my mom for being almost as gorgeous as I am, she has clear evidence that she's taken: my other mom is right there. And it's badass to see my moms beating the shit out of everyone who takes a glance at either of them. They did - in fact - meet in boot camp.

PIANO RECITALS
rock everyone's socks. When I have no one but two nice-looking ladies screaming at me for more, everyone assumes I'm getting lucky after banging out a snazzy jazz rendition of the Inspector Gadget theme song. But it's really just my moms.

HALLOWEEN
is better than you'd think when you have two moms. Usually families dress as really gay shit like The Incredibles or The Cosbys; with two moms, the world is just not enough. Firstly, if we're ever flat out of ideas, we can be any James Bond movie trio: I'm James Bond, and my moms are both the two girls he screws in any given movie. Sometimes we go for the traditional Greek theme, like where I'm Oedipus and they're Jocasta and Antigone. Sometimes we go for Roman, like where I'm Jupiter and they're Europa and Juno. But usually we can do better than that. Last year, I was Tiger Woods, Mom #1 was Mrs. Woods, and Mom #2 was that meddling porn star that always ruins their plans. She watched a lot of weird movies I wasn't allowed to watch to play out her part, and boy, did she put on a show.


OTHER MISCELLANEOUS BENEFITS
are also dope as soap on a rope.
- Whenever I get a boo-boo, I get two kisses.
- When I'm sick, I'm twice as likely to have a sympathetic mom who lets me stay home.
- Dinner.
- Neither of them can say no to getting a kitten. Because neither of them are dads.
- They don't expect me to do yardwork either.
- They can never use the "back in my day we had to walk five miles in tornadoes and UFO weather to get to school" because neither of them are dick dads.
- They can never give me the "Son, your body is changing" talk because they don't get it.
- Since saying "Mom" is ambiguous, I can call them by their first names - Beyonce and Kesha - even though I still call them Mom #1 and #2.

INTERESTING SNAPPLE FACT:
Since my mother married my mother, neither changed last names. I was born half from one and half from the other - one gave birth to my head, and the other gave birth to the rest, and I assembled myself like Megazord. It was then that they decided to take my last name instead, which is why I call them both Mrs. Mackey.

So moms, this post is for you. Happy Mother's Day.

As for Pat's mom, you'll get your Mother's Day present later ;)

4 COMMENT(S):

Anonymous said...

The only conclusion I can make from this is that you like incest. You act as if you are Charlie Sheen and your moms are his Goddesses. Clearly this is a fictional post, but you have some creepy issues to work out.

Anonymous said...

ahahah awesome

Anonymous said...

"- Neither of them can say no to getting a kitten. Because neither of them are dads."

...I wish I had two moms :( There would be so many kittens the kittens would have their own pet kittens.

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